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So this is my audience. I was messing around tonight and figured out how to view this. If you can click on the picture, you should be able to see the details. Check out the Countries breakdon.

United States ... well duh. Canada ... okay I guess I can still see that.

But ... Who is reading this in the other places?! Is it that entertaining?

I love that someone is reading from their blackberry though.

Cell Phones

I love my phone. My crackberry is an extension of my body. Everybody knows this.

I hate cell phones at work. We have a company policy against them while we are on the clock. I know I'm tempted to bust out my Sudoku app when things get slow, but I resist. It's not only ridiculously addictive, it's rude. If I'm typing away on my phone, people probably won't want to come up and talk to me and then I won't make any sales.

I do have my phone on while I'm working but I only use it when my boss calls. She has a huge territory to cover and can't be in every store so she usually calls to check how things are going. Two of my employees have serious issues with this policy. Ironically, it's because they want to text each other. I've explained the reasoning behind the "no phones" rule but they still don't listen.

Whatever. I laugh when customers use cell phones to try to get out of listening to me. I am very observant. I notice patterns and little inconsistencies. You can't fool me.

For example, I've noticed that most people using cell phones at my stand have their phone on silent, pick up just before arriving at my stand, don't actually say anything while they're on the phone, and usually hang up a few seconds after leaving.

One day I was greeting people as usual and a woman made eye-contact with me. I opened my mouth to greet her and she turned down the aisle in front of me (another typical avoidance technique). A few seconds later she came back out with her cell phone to her ear, talking nonstop.
I greeted her as usual and began talking about the food. She looked up at me, annoyed, and tapped her phone with her finger. I paused, then asked if she liked the sample(s) she was eating. The woman nodded and mouthed I'm on the phone.

I shook my head and stood there, staring at her. She glared at me and said, "ugh hold on. What?"
I smiled. "Your phone is backwards."

The woman looked at me, at her phone (which was, in fact, backwards), and back at me. She shoved her phone back in her purse and snapped, "well if you ... people ... weren't so rude and pushy, customers would be able to snack in peace."

She grabbed two more samples and walked off.



Lesson: Cell phones induce rudeness and stupidity.

Witness Protection Post

I know some of the stuff I write seems outlandish. Impossible. BUT! I have a witness now.

During one particularly slow day at work, my friend MD came to visit. For four hours. Talk about awesome. Actually, we talked about a lot. Most of the time he just stood there, pretending to be really interested in the cereal beside me (which I wasn't selling) while I talked to customers, but it was pretty cool of him to waste his whole day in the store with me.

Anyway. All those stupid little things that I write about -- the drive-by samplers, the people who come up on their phones and act like I'm rude -- MD totally knows they're real. He witnessed it all. And commented when he knew things were going to happen. Like the customers he just felt would pick up one sample only put it down and take another.

AND THE PARENTS. There was a little boy who came up for a sample. Since he was obviously under 13, I had to tell him he needed his parents with him. At that moment, another couple came up so I started talking to them. A few seconds later a woman flew in from whoknowswhere, snatched a sample, and walked off. MD filled me in when the couple left, saying that the woman was the mother of the boy I'd just turned away. Apparently he went back to her empty handed and the mother exclaimed, "what she wouldn't give you one?" before she came up and took a cup. (Joke's on her ... she grabbed the jalepeno flavored sample. I would have told her if she wasn't so rude.)

We had a new experience that day as well. The following picture was taken by MD since I couldn't have my phone out. The two bags shown are the exact same product: brand, flavor, bag size ... it's all the same. Look closely! The serving sizes are identical, but the calories vary, the sodium levels don't match, and though you can't see it very well in this picture, the ingredients aren't the same either. We didn't get a picture of it but the fronts of the bags were different as well. They're almost the same color, but the designs on the front are different. We decided that the differences in the bags were based on the expiration dates. Apparently products vary based on when they were made.

MD also wasted a pretty decent amount of time in McDonald's with me so I could eat my parfait and Shamrock Shake without looking like a lonely loser.

Thanks MD :) Visit again soon!

Don't Hit On Me

You think I'm pretty. I get it. I appreciate it. Everyone loves a little ego boost. But there is a time and a place for such things. Not work. Today's post is a dialogue between yours truly and a young man who just didn't get it.

(A boy approach my stand)
Boy: Hey cutie, how you doin'?
Me: Hi, welcome to the store. I'm quite well. How are you?
Boy: Better now. You got a great smile.
Me: Thank you. Have you tried --
Boy: So uh, you got an old man?
Me: ... a dad?
Boy: Nah, boo. A boyfriend, you know. An old man.
Me: Uhhh... this isn't really appropriate ...
Boy: So how 'bout I holla at you sometime?

pause. i don't care who you are. don't say you're going to 'holla' at a me. i will emasculate you. and probably enjoy it. okay unpause.

Me: No.
Boy: What's wrong, babe? Ain't I cute?
(strike one)
Me: I'm working. Excuse me.
Boy: We can get some dinner, a movie, you know. Whatever you want. You party?
(strike two)
Me: No. Please leave.
Boy: C'mon, girl. You look like the party type and I'm only in town for a few days. What's ya number?
(strike three)

he's out.

Me: Look. You haven't introduced yourself and no one "holla"s at me. No one with good intentions like 'watching a movie,' anyway; so either you think I'm easy or you're fake.


He left without another word.


Lesson: Just because I'm pretty doesn't mean I'm arm candy.

How You Cookin' That?

A very common question in my job. More often than not, said just that way as well. I try to be as professional as possible since I am serving customers and reflecting my company, but obvious errors like "how you cookin' that?" (or, as a throwback, "you ain't got no combos?") really irritate me. I'm not rude enough to call out the obvious or get visibly upset when people interrupt me, but I am passive-aggressive enough to answer the question in proper English.

I always explain how I cooked my food that day, as well as the other options. Such as, "these were prepared in the microwave in two minutes. You can also bake them in the oven for 20 minutes at 350 degrees." Inevitably, some people ask about cooking them other ways. I understand they think maybe I forgot to mention something. Sometimes I do forget alternate cooking methods. And sometimes I don't say things are cooked certain ways because ... well ... they aren't.

I was doing such an event once in a multi-cooker (see photo). Like every other cooking event, people came up and asked why there were no samples on the table. I explained that I had just put the macaroni in the water and that it will be 10-15 minutes. Usually, people come back a few minutes before and stand beside me as I start dishing the food.

This particular day, there were quite a few people waiting while I started scooping the finished macaroni from the multi-cooker. I started reciting my selling points when a woman interrupted me.

"How you cookin' that?" The woman asked, looking at the price sign. As I started to answer, another woman answered (incorrectly) for me.
"Oh you make this in the microwave. Like Easy Mac, you know?"
I politely told the women that it was not Easy Mac and needed to be prepared like regular macaroni and cheese, to which the second woman replied, "nah but you do these in the microwave, right? Real easy."

I couldn't help it. I'm usually so good at keeping my composure and not calling people customers out when they're obviously wrong but I couldn't stop myself this time. I looked at the second woman, looked at the multi-cooker, back at the second woman ... and as I pointed the spoon toward the multi-cooker, I asked, "does that look like a microwave?"

It was wrong. It was unprofessional. But really? I know there are customers who think my job is done by the elderly and people who couldn't get hired anywhere else. Even if that were true, don't you think I would know how I just cooked that food?

Needless to say, the second woman probably didn't buy the macaroni.

Lesson: Don't doubt the cook. Or interrupt, because you just might get a snippy response.

Samples Are Not Meals

I hand out food (for free) for a living. I'm used to people thinking I'm on the same level as those kiosk people at the mall. Believe me, I know how annoying they are; I try to avoid them just as fervently as you do. However, I am not commission based. Buy it, don't buy it ... my paycheck stays the same.

If you don't want the food, that's fine. I won't chase you down the aisle. But please remember that this is my job and I do have to talk to you. If you try to ninja something off my plate and there's an allergen warning...oddly enough, the excuse "he just came over and took it!" does not save either of us.

There was a woman ("The Papaya Woman") who walked from stand to stand with her daughter and two grandchildren ... and a papaya in her cart. Just one. Every time. As far as anyone knows, she never bought anything. This woman would approach the stand, grab multiple samples, and walk off to the next one. Less than an hour later the family would return. By the end of the day, I usually guessed that she and her family had eaten an entire meal for each of them. The looks she gave when I would try to talk to her were incredible. I knew she didn't want to listen to a speech about the two bites of food she was getting but it was my job.

Even if it's for the few seconds it takes me to say "Hi, welcome to the store. I have some food available for you to try today. Let me know what you think."... please just listen. I promise I'll only continue my speech if you say you like it and even then, I probably only know a nutritional fact, the price and where to find it.

Also, making comments about portion size does not make a difference. We are supposed to get a certain number of servings out of each package so no, you will not get a full serving like you would at home. The point is not to feed you but to give you a little taste and help you decide you want it.


Lesson: Don't be greedy.

Why?

There are a lot of really great little moments in my job. Some are funny, some are sad, some deserve massive facepalms. I've decided to share these stories in blogs instead of telling them over and over. I'll most likely do them in themes -- moments that repeat themselves multiple days -- instead of day-by-day, but check back frequently!

[No names, no brands; just observations from the other side of the bowl. And if I wouldn't say it to a co-worker, my boss, or in a corporate e-mail then I won't post it. “The opinions and postings on this site are my own and those of the individuals who post to this site. They do not represent the opinions, positions, strategies, or views of (anywhere I work) or its other employees.”]